Solitaire
by A Shade of Green
Summary: Hermione plays Solitaire on her computer in the middle of the night and starts to think. Oneshot HBP compatable.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company, nor do I own Solitaire. But I do own a 30 game losing streak.

A/N: Hello, I couldn't win Solitaire so I decided to WRITE! Haha, better hope I start winning, I don't think you people want me to write too much! So... R&R and make me happy and then I'll put up my other multiple stories. Happy? No? Too bad. Read now.

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I'm in my room, on the computer, playing Solitaire. I never win. But it's 2:49 in the morning and I can't sleep so maybe I'll have some luck. It's not really a good reason, I know. But I'm Hermione Granger and I don't care because I care all throughout the school year and I come home and I want a real vacation.

Sure, the "real" Hermione Granger would _never_ say that. But maybe there isn't really a real Hermione Granger. Maybe she's just a phony, an illusion. Maybe the real Hermione Granger figured out a long time ago that life was too hard, so she was smart and she left so that this Hermione Granger could take her place. Maybe I'm just ranting.

So this is the 28th game of Solitaire that I've played and I haven't won any of them. Sometimes I wonder if this game is rigged so that we never win. But I don't think so. Why would they make it so that we never win? How could they even do that?

Harry owled me the other day. He says that I'm in denial. Of course, that's just what he thinks. I'm not in denial of course. Why would I be in it anyway?

He tells me that I deny loving Ron because I _do_ love him. But that's just crazy. Why would I _love_ Ron? Sure, he's a sweet boyfriend, he's a great friend, and I'm in that kind of love that everyone says that they're in even thought its all lies. But _real _love? I don't think I'm ready for that. And besides, I never even said anything about loving or not loving Ron.

...Well maybe once. Or twice. What does it matter?

So I'm not little Miss Perfect that has a perfect life, perfect friends, perfect grades. So I'm not perfect material for a perfect person that doesn't need love. But in reality, who is perfect? You can't be perfect... That's what my muggle teachers used to tell me when I messed up on some minor details of projects and assignments and such. But what if they're wrong? What if the entire world is wrong and we _can_ be perfect; we have the potential to be perfect? And if we push that potential, then maybe we _will_ be perfect in the future.

But then being perfect is such a bore, you know? You aren't allowed to be individual, or go out of line. You always have to be the good one, the smart one. Sometimes I hate being "perfect". But that's my entire life story. I _have_ to be perfect. If I'm not perfect, then I'm nobody at all. I won't have an identity.

That's scary. I don't think that I like the idea of not having an identity. Who can you be then? You'd just be no one, right? Well that scares me. I _want_ to be someone, even if I have to be perfect.

I think I in love with Ron. Of course, I just thought that I didn't love him. But I'm entitled to my opinions, aren't I? So what if I decide to change it? You can't to anything to me. You're just my mind, my conscious. You can't do anything to physically hurt me, and you can't mess with me mentally because I could just shut you off.

Or maybe you can by sabotaging my dreams and thoughts and making me think crazy things. Maybe you'll make me daydream about Ron and all of the sudden, I'll want a kiss, the kind of kiss in the rain where there's no one near us or even in the world, and we're just floating in the clouds. It's the kind of kiss that just about every girl wants, right?

I've just lost again in Solitaire and I have a 30 game losing streak. Now it's 3:07 and I'm sleepy even though I just woke up twenty minutes ago because I knew I was supposed to get up and play Solitaire and lose so I could think to myself irrationally. It makes sense, don't you think? Everything I did had to happen so that I could think like a crazy person and it would make sense because it's destiny and it's bound to happen even though I don't believe in destiny. Why else do you think I dropped Divination?

Of course, I do think that I'm crazy and I need help with my problems. I'm the best friend of Harry Potter, the destined savior of our world after all. And then Albus Dumbledore has been murdered, or so Harry says, and Snape, our snarky constant rock, the hidden hero behind the scene has gone dark and killed the most powerful wizard in our time on purpose. Now Harry doesn't have a mentor and he has to go through all this alone and we've lost our rock and now we're tipping over and we have nothing to lean against. It's like making us ride on a two wheeler even though we've never even tried riding a bike with training wheels.

And then our lives are so messed up that one like me wonders when this is over, _if_ this is over, will we really be able to fix our lives like all the books and novels and story tales say? Will we even have lives to fix? Or will our lives be broken beyond repair so that nothing can be salvaged from the shattered glass of our lives?

What's going to happen? Will we all die? Maybe, just maybe, we'll all come out unscathed, with no losses, no sadness. But maybe that's just a childish fantasy that you and me know is never going to come true, so what's the point of thinking up stupid fantasies like that?

But right now, it's 3:13 and I should go to sleep or try to win Solitaire. It doesn't matter. But I just need to stop thinking for now because too much thinking will make my brain explode. At least I think so. It might be a stupid idea, but it could happen. Too much information, too much emotion stuffed into your head and mind, and then all of the sudden, there's not enough room for everything. And then that's when your mind blows up because it's reached it's maximum capacity, and yet I'm still stuffing information into my brain just because it's all so interesting, so fascinating. With my type of ambition and _want_ to learn, it's bound to happen sometime.

So I think that I'll play Solitaire until I win. After all, what are the chances of me living through the war that's sure to come if I can't even win a simple game of Solitaire?

**FIN**

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